i m at a loss of feelings

how am i feeling ? how should i feel ? i hv just lost her. i feel guilty for her. then my thoughts go to my parents. i hv consented to their idea. i m at least keeping them happy. i hv just got engaged to a gal of their liking. i met her that very morning. even by the standards of arranged marriage, it was a bit too quick , in fact too sudden. i don't feel happy about it, so i cant even keep my parents happy. after all its my happiness alone that matters to them. the gal i got engaged to appears to b a nice gal. she has won the hearts of all my family members. but i dont feel for her, so i dont reciprocate her feelings. but i feel guilty for. my life is in chaos as such, why bring her life to such a roller coaster for no reason. then she also wants me to be happy. if only i could b allowed to be sad for sometimes. but alas! i have to feel happy. i m not sure how? this is disturbing. with so much guilt, i hv to feel happy.

may b there is a way. as it happens in ne kind of situation. like when u are badly hit, sometimes it happens that u feel numb, devoid of all sensation. its body's defensive mechanism to save u from the pain. suddenly as if to save me from the same agony, i feel devoid of all emotions. i dont feel ne thing. i m hungry rt now , but i dont feel like eating. i m missing everyone, but i dont want to talk to ne one. i m very dangerously placed being alone, but i m liking my solitude. no .. not liking it ,i just dont feel the need for ne body else.

then i call her up n suddenly i realise that i hv to feel happy for her which i cant. this makes me sad. and i realise that i have made mistake yet again by revealing it. but she is very generous. she told me that i can feel sad for a while just for a while. she is the most understanding person in the world. i m relishing this new found freedom.

then there is a call waiting. no .. its from her. i must call her back. NO .. i dont feel for her. its just that i feel guilty for her that makes me take that pain. otherwise i dont want to talk to her, to reveal to her that i m sad or worse to pretend to be happy. so i end up messing it up all yet again, end up feeling guilty all over again. then i pick up this piece of paper ( this post was realised on a piece of paper first), in the hope to attain that feeling of feeling nothing. i m trying hard. its good that i m travelling alone. i can just b myself, i dont need to pretend nething. i m entering that feeling of nothingness. then there is a msg from her . she is missing me. i m missing her all over again. i m responsible for all this chaos. but i blame my parents again. i wont call up my parents. they have to suffer with me too.they are culprits for loving me so much.

everyone has to pay the price, for his or her own fault, for loving someone, for being loved by someone. you dont love a thing , u dont loose a thing. i hv loved enough, i hv been loved enough. i feel bad if i feel emotions for ne body. i dont want to b loved. i feel pathetic when someone shows emotions for me.

may be i hv attained nirvana, may be i m just another escapist.

p.s. this was then. thnx to her n parents n all those who really love me, i m back to my emotional self. i m saved of the danger of being a machine. i m getting better.

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD

Child is the father of man n the world's view is much clear seen through a child's eyes. Anything that defies a child's logic is illogical for sure. so here u see the prejudice against coloured folks in Alabama in 1930's through a nine yr oldies eyes, but the same is true for every society in every era of civilization.

its a beautiful story where a lawyer stands up against the conventions of society to uphold what is correct. Atticus the lawyer, initially passes as the run of the mill folk who does nothing but reads newspaper. Even her daughter rues the fact that her father is good for nothing. but as u turn the pages he almost appears a superman. Atticus is an upright whose determination for upholding justice is complimented by his being a responsible father who sets right examples for his kids. he does no jaw dropping stunts but his presence is as reassuring as James Bond........ its not time to worry yet.

as for scout, the narrator, well..... i fell in love straightway. holy Christ !!! she is nothing more than a 9 yr old gal. but then i can wait for her to grow up. she is intelligent beyond her years, has innocence befitting her age, courageous n fiercely proud. n she poses questions which makes grown up ppl think.

other characters are equally well painted. you get your share of humour also that makes it a happy reading.

the city of joy

There is a famous temple just across the road where I live. There are a few thelawalas who put their stalls next to the mandir selling flowers, garland and other pooja like stuff. They sleep, eat and live on their thela only or on the road if the thela cannot accommodate them.

One night while I was returning from a late night movie, I crossed them. Then I just thought to myself how do they live and turned my bike to have a look at them. They were all stretched on the rd; there were a few utensils and a stove to make for all their household stuff. That’s all I did, I looked at them and turned back.

The story is not remarkable in any sense except for the fact that for once I realized that they are not the pariahs or even worse ‘objects’, but they are living human beings in blood and flesh like u and me are. I owe this realization to this remarkable book “the city of joy” by Dominique Lapiere.

There couldn’t have been better blend of misery with riches, the hellish condition where ppl are destined only to filth, poverty, sickness, heaven couldn’t be found at a better place. The utterly hopeless sit where all that ppl can cling on to is their hope.

For starters, the city of joy is the description of life in Anand Nagar, a slum in Calcutta, the erstwhile Paris of the East. Here comes a Pole father in service of God. While he affects the life in slum in more ways than one, there are a few lessons which he himself couldn’t learn anywhere else.

The ppl in the city of joy are remarkable because while the resources are scarce, love flows in abundance. They are the forgotten sons of god but god has never been out of their minds. God snatches from them all their means of livelihood but they cling onto him all the more.

They are the ppl the Pole father goes to heal, to bring comfort to them and he finds the serenity n calm in their eyes. The zest for life is remarkable, life goes on unabated hail comes or storm.

A few books leave their permanent mark on the readers mind, this book certainly counts among them. Reading this book certainly makes me a better person at least more human than I was. When next time I see a rickshaw puller or a beggar the least I can do is not to treat him like an object. I am not extolling poverty, its not a virtue but nevertheless lets not make it a crime.

THINK BIG

oh , the thinking stuff again. but dont worry , this one wont stress your brain the way it did in earlier posts. i only aim to drive home the point that opportunities knock at the doors of all of us. the lucky ones are actually those who can think big when the situation presents itself. chalo, enough of lecture baazi , i will get on with my story.

but for the benefit of those not well versed with hindu mythology, there are our evil frnds who always pray the hardest to appease our Gods. then the first thing they want to do is to dethrone the God himself. and traditionally our Gods have always been the most gullible of the lot. they always get pleased and concede to all demands made by the evil frnd.

so there was our evil frnd again praying for years long doing all sorts of things that ramanand sagar had shown you, like hanging upside down on the trees for days, standing on one leg for weeks, going without food for months n all that. but he had designs as evil as he was. like all our evil frnds he wanted to rule the universe, and enslave the god himself. our good old gullible god knew of it all, but was in a fix now.

the crisis emerged and as always god had to outthink the evil.

so he gives audience to the evil frnd.

" son, i m so pleased with you . say what do you want of me."

" god i want to ......... oh god some one help me with this itching on my backside."

" son , as you wish. your itching will stop immediately."

so the god conceded to his wish and left to enjoy the company of rambha and urvashi, putting back the itching powder in his pocket.

the evil frnd was thinking ," just when i had to think of owning the universe, all i could think was this itching."

THINK BIG

thought for the day :THINK

Have you ever picked up a shirt or a trouser (gals pl make suitable replacement if you are not shirt/ trouser type) that you had not put on for quite some time, put your hand in the pocket and suddenly found a hundred rupee note. Great feeling…. eh. Those of you who haven’t had this experience are a bit too organized to have such simple pleasures. There is no greater joy than finding a thing you thought you had lost. I experience it far too frequently. While I m working in the office I find my pen ten times a day because I loose it ten times a day n the ocean of papers/ files, so have I found my key ring, notes, watch, diary, purse and mobile.

When a thing is lost (or you presume it to be lost while it is only misplaced) there is a great anxiety and so many thoughts work up in your mind. You promise to be more careful, better organized, you pray to the God for ‘ this one time only’ and some time you make some real weird promises to your deity.

So this piece of nonsense is just another promise kept. I owe it to my mobile which I discovered at the dead of the night that I have lost it, by early morning I discovered that I cant get it before mid day if et all I can get it and till mid day this was the most voluminous thing occupying all my thoughts. And did I tell you of the promises that I made…Like being a good boy, a weird one like writing a new post even if not many ppl subscribe to it and the weirdest of all – ‘I will put on helmet religiously while driving for at least seven days’ (think of it, how the hell is putting on helmet connected to the lost mobile).

Thoughts as they occur to you are very different from purposeful thinking which takes a lot of energy, . Haven’t you heard that coming to a conclusion is just another way of saying that you have got tired of thinking? So here a few ways of thinking: -

(a) painful thoughts. Just notice the fact that it is a thought that has occurred to you and you have not conditioned it. but you can not escape the thought of the misery that has befallen you.

(b) sequential thinking. I try to go about it sequentially as to how did I start my day, where all did I go, the office, residence, café, the vehicle I was sitting in at the same time trying to recollect where all I used my cell.


(c) pictorial thinking. then I try to pictures location by location like when I was there in the shop, I put my hand in the pocket, took out my cell ( or not) put it on table ( or not ).

(d) lateral thinking. Like ringing up my cell no to see if it is hidden under the pillow or behind the curtain or inside the files. (Doesn’t fall in the category of lateral thinking ,but had to add it for want of better example). Or may be my good frnd is playing pranks on me who can this good frnd be?

All the above type of thinking fall in the gambit of rational thinking because they have some logic behind the thought. They are however interrupted by some irrational thinking.

(e) Fearful thinking. No one dies of hard work but why take a chance…right?? Yeah all the time I am afraid that my mobile has gone for good.

(f) Preconditioned thinking. All my sequential thinking, pictorial thinking and other kinds of rational thinking is marred by the prejudiced notion that the mobile should be under the pillow and I leave all the search half way to pick up my pillow and find nothing underneath.

(g) Wishful thinking. When wishes father the thought then every thing seems so rosy, suddenly I find myself dreaming that my good frnd of lateral thinking has had enough of fun and he is soon returning my cell to me.

(h)……..

(i)….

(j)…..

……….

………

while you may be thinking what I am thinking next, think along – that’s the food for thought for you. I have reached the conclusion because I got back my cell.

Don’t believe me?????? Call up at 9410233346 to confirm.

knowledgeable??????????

newton ruined my chances way back when he discovered gravity, Edison did the same with the bulbs. these oldies haven't left much for me to do. if only i had dated back some 500 years ago. but then, these days every second day there is a new gadget in the market - some mp3, some ipod, some apple or black berry (or mango or cheeku for that matter) always surprises me and off course leaves me disappointed with another missed opportunity to serve the mankind.

however, i am always enthusiastic about what other lesser mortals have come up with and seek to know what is what.

so i was travelling in a hired innova the other day. it was again the latest model sx4, tx 4 wx6 (why do all these vehs come with x ratings) or i don't know what. as we started on, the dashboard seemed to be a running light and sound show. naturally i got curious and flooded the driver with whole lot of 'whats' and 'whys'. the driver seemed to be quite knowledgeable and with great enthusiasm he explained to me all.there was some display showing you fuel, some showing you oil, the odometer, speedometer, one to tell you that you have travelled this much, then the compass. . then there were lights of all kinds left indicator, right indicator, fog light, pass, don't pass, brake, the light to tell you the rear door is open or the boot is open.

but then i was stuck up at one blinker, couldn't guess what it was blinking for.

" ooh it's nothing , it only shows that i have not put on my seat belt". he didn't fail to add " the cops wont know , there is no blinker outside".

this left me quite confused as to whether i should appreciate his knowledge or the lack of it.


passing thought :
when an apple falls from the tree, the genius sees the gravitational force.
and the wise man sees a tasty fruit to eat.

read between the lines

Blame it on govt or society or history or geography; even biology if you feel so, i call it economics - simple equation of demand and supply. but the matter of fact is that marriageable gals are becoming precious and precious gals are becoming more precious. the matrimonial columns looking for suitable grooms are becoming more and more demanding. all the difficult words from dictionary are finding place in the matrimonial columns.



so there was a column inviting grooms ( or superman ) with following specifications:-



" should be tall, handsome, charming, quick witted, intelligent, caring, well settled, modest, humorous". did i call him superman ...well, inject a few more adjectives that i might have missed.



the gal was precious, so the column was well received and even better reciprocated. but you know ' har kisi ko mukammal jahan nahin milta , kisi ko jamin to kahin aasmaan nahin milta' . somebody was not tall enough,the other was not charming enough, somebody talked too much, the other listened too much.



it was not difficult for the gal to reject all of them out rightly. the difficult one came when someone came with a proposal " hey, i am none that you are looking for , save one. i am not so tall, not so handsome. charm keeps at arms length from me, humour escapes me except when i am the one being laughed at. i am often at my wits end when looking for a witty reply, intelligence can be graded average at best. all i can say about me is that i am quite MODEST



hellllllllllooooo .... what do you say m'am"